My Valor....

Here I am again… Melodramatic on things that I wished I have done before. It seems like the closing stages of my life slowly taking place. Downfall is my greatest adversary. I would not be intimated nor fear. Victory is my ultimate comrade. I would be proud and live.

The part of me keeps fooling and deceiving me of such lies and unworthy promises. I just wanted to live my life just the other people do. I am sure that this has a commendable rationale. My own senses won’t be able to concede such shams. I need space to think… think… and think. My thoughts are divulging something but my heart draw on the idea of alternation – an archetypal paradox of what we most likely to call “LIFE”. This is not logical. This is iniquitous for a defenseless mortal like me. I am no GOD; I am just a fragile being. I want to know the motive on why I have to endure this kind of bewilderment. I don’t want to be impugned by those people who devour perfection. Let me go. I am down on my knees beginning to hoist my white flag. I want to obtain my emancipation. Oh how I long for it…

Then an odd sensation came to me… in just a shatter of second. HUSH! I am face down searching for my buoyancy that dwells within me for a long time. Tears are evident on my cheeks. Slowly, I stand up… merging my great strength and that sensation that just came on to me. I stood up from this very ground to my vulnerable feet. The cold breeze touches my flesh. A whisper… I can heed for it. I am back to my strength. I know I can get through this hardships and perplexities. Tears became my source of VALOR. I close my eyes and I am sure it is HIM. And it was good.

CHOOSE and CHOOSE

There is something about my drawing – it is my perfect view of horizon. I can’t help but to stare at it. So peaceful… so melancholic… so attractive… so on and so forth…

I am longing for such serenity. Otherwise, I am living in an earthly hell. A world full of unbelievers and sinners… a world full of understated perceptions… a replica of chaos and mayhem. We possessed the most intelligent brain to acquire wisdom but we never USE it. We just can’t learn from the past things that stump us into many worse circumstances. We just can’t learn. We just can’t.

How many inspirational songs should be played in the airwaves? How many stirring messages and testimonies should be shared through many ways? How many motivating videos and shows should be aired on TV and other source of media? How many more? Is that how rusty our brains and hearts are just to absorb the idea of LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES?

We may say, “Oh yes, I learned from it… I will never do it again. I effin’ hate CONSEQUENCES.” But look at yourself, you did the same old thing. You’ll never learn. NEVER. Once like that, always like that until you finally realize how to let go of that crap.

You know what the problem is my friend? We only jammed ourselves in this TEMPORARY world. Take note, TEMPORARY – meaning, there is still life after this. Some of you may not believe it, some of you may shrug like you haven’t heard it at all. But let me tell you this, REGRETS are at the end of EVERY WRONG MOVE. I don’t nothing wrong if you just believe in the power of your faith. Believe. Just believe.

Your life is entirely BULLSHIT. Mess… mess… mess… nothing is new but more misery. Have you ever asked yourself why these things are happening to you? I’ll state this again, LIFE IS A MATTER OF CHOICE. If you are miserable, guess what? YOU CHOSE IT. And then what? BETTER THINGS in LIFE becomes only your DREAM. Just a dream. Wow, how boring! How about reaching it instead and make it as a perfect choice? Is that even a problem? No. It is an ideal choice of all times.

If we are like this forever, nothing would be better. Nothing would be get fine… we are so wedged in this clutter until our last gasping breath. It is all up to our choices. After all, all of us will be judged not because of our good works and deeds. But the choice of living life believing JESUS is GOD and how we hold on to what we BELIEVE is a perfect choice.

As for me, I just don’t want my perfect view of horizon to be just a mere picture. I wanted it to be real and I CHOSE to work on it. =)

Fact: I made that PICTURE :)

HEADACHE THOUGHTS (WARNING: it is quite disturbing)

I wanted to change everything… but unfortunately, it’s too late…

I am just an ordinary person still searching for my place in this mortal world. Many things I have done… many things that I have promised…. Many things that I wish I haven’t done… Confusion is my best friend ever since my innocence faded. I didn’t wish for this to happen but maybe it is meant to be. I cannot change a thing. Not one… Unless, I will try to.

I came to this moment in my life where all the things I ever dreamed of were, in reality, it will never come true. Believing is just for someone with great courage and confidence to deal with the unexpected. I never had those capabilities. I am just a plain vulnerable being. I always cry, let anyone step on me, I am always down and I wanted to runaway. Oh God, how I wanted to die. But there’s a voice inside of me that tells me DON’T-DO-IT. Oh how I really hate this voice. It’s ruling my mind and heart. I cannot change it. This voice always tells me what to do and what not to do. What happened to that thing that YOU ARE THE RULER OF YOUR SELF? Confuse… confuse… confuse…

Somewhere along the road, I saw that far end. Why EVERYTHING has an end? Why? I can’t visualize it. If people keep telling about that then what’s the use of being alive and doing things that they thought were necessary and essential for one’s eminence in this world. I just don’t get it. Rules are just telling people that they are not right. They always tend to do the wrong things that’s why RULES are set it to obey and follow. Crash… crash… crash into me CONFUSION. I know you’re good at it.

I am not EMO. What is an EMO by the way? Stupid word for those people who thinks that their life is a total BULLSHIT. Yes, I am right. HAHA on that! Life is indeed a total bitch. You don’t know what lies ahead. No one can tell… not even that one stupid person who wears weird colorful tunic or dresses on the street with the frilly crystal ball in front of her. PATHETIC. Life… oh life… such a perfect example of CONFUSION. (you don’t even realize how many green lines appears below my phrases while typing this on my MICROSOFT WORD 2003. I DON”T NEED TO BE CORRECTED. DAMN IT.) this is how I am. You are just a part of my life but not the ruler.

Choice. Perfection is what I always dream of. Nevertheless, it is one of the most unreachable dreams I had all my life. What on EARTH does it implicates in my dimensional existence by the way? NOTHING but criticisms from other people who assumes they are PERFECT. Nothing is PERFECT. How many times do we have to mention that. STUBBORN. You are just fooling yourself. You ugly monsters. HAHA on that again.

Do they even realize how many times they are mentioning the word “I” and “ME” on their daily lives? Maybe that’s the only thing they ever think of. Watch out! Even they say “YOU” or “THEM” if you read between the lines, “I” and “ME” are their secret CODES. Only people with HIGH IQ could understand this. You don’t? You’re dumb. POLITICIANS are the best example for this. Now you got it? If you don’t understand again, you are one of those people who loves the word “I” and “ME”. Hoooray!!!

Battle begins. Where is my armor? Not here… they don’t exist. Why? They are just the absence of something. Something I do not know of. I am such a weakling to reckon how many times I have survived many battles of my dear old life. Scars of hell, wounds of wrong perception. Yes they are very invisible. Not even that mighty microscope could see. Try to know me. And my best friend. And HIM above everything in this world. You will know that DIFFERENCE. You will find out YOU HAVE CHANGE IT. It is never too late.

End.

--I wrote this while I am having my worse headache. Please bear with it! hahahahaha!!!

                                                                                       

Leaf under Fire (My Mysterious Artwork)

My mysterious artwork…

I made this drawing or art piece last month. I really didn’t know what this image is about but at first I likely to call it, “The Undying Leaf”. I kind of felt weird about it because I really don’t know what came up on me to make it. I tore it off from the sketchpad and post it on my wall instead just for satisfaction.

As the days go by, my life as a human is very stressful. There are lot of things to be done, responsibilities that I slowly feel like not doing, financial problems due to being gaudy on material things and just a lot. I feel like my whole world would crash in stunning pieces. In short, I AM SO HOPELESS.

I begun to be more depressed everytime I see myself in the mirror so wasted of problems. Not to mention the feeling of GIVING UP is there. My boyfriend even gets angry at me for being so negative and he tends to demand about where-is-your-faith things from me. Well, to be honest, I really have that tendency to lose faith on stuffs like these. I am a Christian and I believe in the Lord Jesus Christ. But sometimes, enemies are just around…

When I got home from school to my boarding dorm, (that’s what my boyfriend calls it) my systems get crappy and just long to be on my trusty and comfy bed. That’s when my problems strike my mind and I’d be predisposed to think about it so hard on how am I going to get through it. I’m losing so much FAITH everytime I think about it like it would never be solved. And if I do, I just look up my ceiling… nothing in there… and suddenly my eyes moved at the left part of my room. And in there, on my wall, a very solid abstract image came into my visions – a fresh undamaged leaf under a fire. At first, I thought it is a bizarre image but that moment on I realized it is NOT. That’s when I got up on my bed and pray.

This artwork reminds me of how I am going to handle myself with STRONG FAITH despite of the obstacles and trials. Everything and anything is possible just by believing. I should believe that I CAN MAKE IT THROUGH EVERYTHING. Not even FIRE could burn me and make me want to give up. The leaf represents ME as a vulnerable being and a living CHRISTIAN. The fire represents pressures, problems, negativities and trials in life or in short DESTRUCTION. As it shown, the leaf is very much lively and assumingly came from a very nourished and well-grown plant. That plant represents LORD JESUS CHRIST. The water and moist in the leaf protects it from any damage. For the plant it came from is very healthy and productive. Like such, DESTRUCTION might TRY finding ways to make me lose my faith but with my STRONG FAITH to the LORD JESUS CHRIST, I HAVE SURVIVED, SURVIVE and WILL SURVIVE FOREVER.

After that, my mysterious artwork wasn’t mysterious after all. =)

From Stiff to Plain

Sometimes, when people decide to leave you for good, you have to let them. No matter how much you don’t want them to.

There are some things that are far beyond our control. And even if you have the strength to fight for them…

You have to accept the cold harsh truth that the people YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT…

CAN LIVE WITHOUT YOU!

Life is too ironic to fully understand though.

It takes sadness to know what happiness is.

It takes noise to appreciate silence.

It takes absence to value presence.

So if you are living a new life right now…

Along the road of it, if you have the chance to take the moment that you know will be memorable, grab it. Always think that the word NEXT TIME is always TOO FAR.

Every moment counts.

Every TEAR falls for a reason...

How many times should I say this? How many songs would they have to play for this? How many people should write something like this?

There is no place and time for GIVING UP. Don't let troubles ruin you. Let YOURSELF ruin TROUBLES.

You may be crying like HELL right now... But you should know...

EVERY TEAR FALLS FOR A REASON.

SO LIVE LIFE. JUST LIVE IT TO THE FULLEST. LET GOD BE YOUR WAY.

I am BETTER TODAY :)

You see it all in my smile.
You hear it all in my laugh.
The way I walk, you hear me talk.
And know I'm no longer sad.
I got no reason to smile more now than I've ever had.
I open up my eyes and realize that nothing's quite that bad.

I've got a different approach to dealing with emotion.
Keeping control of my boat, while drifting on this ocean.
Keeping my head to the sky, keeping tears out of my eyes.
Unless happiness be the reason that I decide to cry.
And life's too short to dwell on all that's wrong.
Stand up now, stand up now and I promise not before long.

You'll be feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.
So much better.
You're feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.
Much better today.
You're feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.
So much better.
You're feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.
You're feeling so much better.

I know about down and out.
I know about when it gets tough.
Losing my fight, can't see the light.
And you just wanna give up.
I know about being depressed.
By needing someone to love.
I also know by standing up and saying enough is enough.

Oh, I've got a different approach to dealing with emotion.
Keeping control of my boat, while drifting on this ocean.
Keeping my head to the sky, keeping tears out of my eyes.
Unless happiness be the reason I decide to cry.
And life's too short to dwell on all that's wrong.
Stand up now, stand up now and I promise not before long.

You'll be feeling better today.
Much better today, much better today.
So much better.

-neyo

 

IT iS NEVER MY LOSS, MY FRIEND. NEVER :)

My First Song Composition

WONDERFUL STORY

by: Ryxxie

I was so hurt

I didn’t know why

Still wondering

Why I have to cry

Is it because

I really love you

Or just because

I really care

To all the things

We’ve been through

I really wanted to scream

Everything just turned so dim

I cannot defy the way

Back to your love

We once had our own world

But then it fades away

Something’s telling me

This is now the end

Of our WONDERFUL STORY

Everyone just tried to fake it

Telling me “Its Okay”

But no I can’t take it

It’s the pain that wants to stay

I met you by surprise

Still anticipating

Why I felt so wrong now

Where’s my happy ending?

I just want to hold you

Here in my loving arms

But you just denied the fact

That I’m in love

I’d still believe in you

And all the things you’ve done to me

I don’t think it’s over

But OVER is what I see…

-this is my first song composition since 2006. I made this song for the first person who broke my heart.  hehehe.. I just miss this song but now I don’t feel like singing it anymore. For the reason that I AM NOW HAPPY and nothing/no one could take that away from me. 

IT IS HIS LOSS and NEVER YOURS. (For Girls)

He left you. He let you go. Your world devastated. You are crying like mad. Broken heart. Lies. But it's never the end.

Love is quite risky and chancy in its own way. You really don’t know when and how is its ups and downs. Today, you two are so in love with eachother and by tomorrow YOU and HIM are total strangers. But if the ULTIMATE DOWN disembarks – DO NOT PLAY the LOSER. BE STRONG.

You may hold on so tight with your relationship. You get so attached with your term with him that you need awful lot of time to move on after breakup. But think about this:

THE MORE YOU MAKE IT STAY, THE MORE PAIN PERSISTS.

You may want to go on and do everything to have him back but he never let you. Remember this:

ONCE A TRASH HAS BEEN THROWN, IT IS CONSIDERED AS A TRASH.

You may ruin your life because you have believed that he WAS your life. Remember this:

YOU WILL BE OKAY AT THE END. IF YOU ARE STILL NOT, THEN IT IS NOT YET THE END. THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THAN WASTING IT FOR STUPIDITY.

You may seek revenge for he fooled and cheat on you by ruining his life with his new girlfriend. Remember this:

GALATIANS 6:7 "DO NOT BE DECEIVED, GOD IS MOCKED; FOR WHATEVER A MAN SOWS, THIS HE WILL ALSO REAPS..." IF YOU PLAN REVENGE IN YOUR LIFE, REVENGE WILL ALSO COME TO YOU.  LET GOD DOES IT FOR YOU... JUST MOVE ON FORGIVE AND GOD WILL FORGIVE YOU NO MATTER WHAT ARE THE CIRCUMSTANCES. STAY HAPPY WITH YOUR OWN LIFE. AND IF SOMEDAY HE GOT WHAT HE TRULY DESERVES, THEN HE SEES YOU HAPPIER WITHOUT HIM IN YOUR LIFE. BELIEVE ME, IT IS THE MOST PAINFUL THING HE WOULD EVER FEEL. TADA!!! REVENGE AT ITS SWEETEST. SIMPLE BUT DANGEROUS.

It is just the LIFE with him that ends and never your LIFE. Believe that it is NEVER your loss. You did your part. You have loved him but it is not enough for him. It is HIS LOSS. Once a LOSER, always a LOSER.

You are beautiful. Live it. Love it. Embrace it. Tomorrow is another day and a fresh start to LOVE again.

STAND UP, GIRL! He will never have someone like you EVER AGAIN.

When David turns Goliath...

Mistakes are throbbing. But they are the only way to find out who you really are…

As the saying goes, “NOBODY IS PERFECT”. For me, this saying is overused but candid. Everybody and anybody commend mistakes. Only God Jesus is perfect.

In my own life comprehension, MISTAKE has two characteristics -- SMALL mistakes and BIG mistakes.

SMALL MISTAKES are those that have a minor impact in our lives. It is like using wrong type of conditioner in our hair. It may cause HAIR FRIZZ but you could fix it with a leave-on hair conditioner. It has alternatives and could be easily and immediately corrected. But sometimes, or maybe OFTEN TIMES, BIG THINGS always come from SMALL THINGS. So, we should stop doing it because it could direct the way to BIG MISTAKES. And what’s worse is that you’ll end up actually living it.

 

BIG MISTAKES are those I prefer to be called LIFE CHANGING MISTAKES. This kind of mistake is very much painful and hard to deal with. But, nonetheless, it must be accepted and must be taken consequence of. But sometimes, you have to make BIG MISTAKES in your life just to figure out how to make things RIGHT.

At the end, it is our DECISION why we did such factor – whether it is SMALL or BIG. But we discover a lot from it and we could contemplate and say that IT IS CHARGE TO EXPERIENCE. These are one of the explanations of the HOW, WHO, WHAT AND WHY of our existing identity.

LESSONS LEARNED as they say. Every move and step we create is definitely our CHOICE, regardless of the guidance and advices from the people around us. YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE. No one knows you better than you do. TAKE NOTE OF THAT.

To wrap things up: Just a little thought. “You will always see what’s wrong when you are right. But you will NEVER know which is right when you are happy doing wrong.”